I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
