thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
