Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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