I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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