You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
