I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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