My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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