shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
