Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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