party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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