At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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