His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
