I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize