a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
