I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
