Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
