I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
