so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
