you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
