and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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