just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
