I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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