You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
