he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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