my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Bang-toberfest begins!!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
