See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
