How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
