God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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