There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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