this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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