My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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