she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
All I want is dick and wine.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
