he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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