So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
