ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Text me some of your sweat
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