So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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