I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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