Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
