Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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