My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
