i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this beer tastes like vomit already
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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