Will you blow on my dice?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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