u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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