dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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