in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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