That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
