Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
