I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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