he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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