I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
