What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
