He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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