Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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