A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
