nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
