Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
