My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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