At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
