you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize