so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
ttyl tear gas
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
