My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
