Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
