Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
