Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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