Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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