i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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