So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
