turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
