I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
