Me. At least after what I've been through.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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