Someone shattered a urinal.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
