i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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