I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
