no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
